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I am independent, and my Justice Department is independent. If it’s a sign of bias or a severe breakdown of the system that the people we’re deciding to investigate happen to have been making the president’s life more difficult (say, by investigating Russian election interference), whereas the people we realized needed a break from their sentences happen to be his personal friends (say, Roger Stone) — well, then, call me biased and say that the system is broken! I’m just following my heart. We at the Justice Department are doing the right thing by our own lights, which coincidentally happen to coincide exactly with the wishes of our great president, Donald J. Trump, who by the way is not only much taller than you expect, but also the right color.
President Trump has been having a very rough time, being persecuted from every angle by Democrats who claim that he is always committing serious crimes and violations of his oath of office. Well, if his Justice Department isn’t going to look out for him and act as his personal lawyer, who is? His personal lawyer? Have you seen his personal lawyers? Give the guy a break! He’s the president, and this Article II thing says he can do whatever he wants, if my understanding of the Constitution is correct, which I know it is, because the president appointed me, and whatever he thinks or does is by definition right.
That is why it is so embarrassing for the president to keep tweeting about his wants and needs, as though he had to strong-arm me into doing his bidding, when really he just needs to arm me into it, with sort of a friendly pat. His arms are already so strong that the word “strong” is superfluous! The tweets are embarrassing! It’s like loudly demanding to know where your entree is when you see the waiter already headed over. Stop making it seem like you need to prod me to do what you want, Mr. President! I’m on it! Just telephone me, or something. I’d love to hear your melodious, perfect voice, which falls upon the ear like the music of Orpheus.
And stop the tweeting about Justice Department cases! It is making it impossible for me to do my job, which I understand is exactly what the president wishes in all respects, but it looks bad when that gets spelled out. Can I help it that the president is just uncannily right about everything and knows when sentences are bad even better than judges do, though he has never been to law school and indeed knows nothing of the law? How can I tell people that I am doing my work with integrity? How can I convince my department to keep morale up? With low morale, how can we continue carrying out the will of our majestic president exactly, as I have always done?
Just let me remind my people again, for the record: We are not corrupt! Stop resigning! Just be resigned. Don’t worry about it! That’s why I wish these tweets would stop. (Not, of course, that my wishes are more important than the president’s; his wishes are as perfect as his hands, which came from the turning lathe of the gods themselves.)
For the record on Roger Stone, I was going to modify the sentencing recommendation anyway because — coincidentally — the president was totally right in his tweet! That is why I am so mad he sent the tweet, which makes me look like I’m not an independent actor. Look, I am going to talk while he drinks a whole glass of water.
Also — the tweets saying that Comey should be charged with crimes? Slow down, Tiger! First U.S. Attorney John Durham has to investigate whether the FBI and CIA folks investigating Russian interference did anything wrong, so that we can help the president be reelected. This is a fine use of the Justice Department but, again, if the president tweets about it, it will look bad. So I’m warning you, buster! Don’t!
I just hate that the public sees these tweets and thinks I’m just doing the president’s bidding without regard for the independence of the Justice Department! It really makes it difficult for me to carry out the president’s bidding without regard for the independence of the Justice Department. The tweets are the problem here! Please, stop tweeting!
By Alexandra Petri Washington Post: Breaking News, World, US, DC News & Analysis